Questions That Will Never be Answered

When did the hatred begin
When did the seeds of bitterness begin
Why did you leave
Were we not together forever
Were we not the same
When did we change
When did you start believing the lies
Why are you this way
Was it truth when you said "I love you"
Were you ever happy
Do we not have the same values
Do we not have the same morals
Do we not believe in the same God

Many people have close friends in their lives that are meant for a season, some have close friends that are meant for a lifetime. When things begin to fall apart, when things begin to seem as though they will never return to how things used to be, what do we do? I have asked these questions many times. I lay awake at night wondering these questions and more. The only sanity I get when my mind starts going in circles because of these questions is simply breathing. I breathe. I breathe and remember all the good things that God has blessed me with. I remember the times that I was the most happy. Even though these questions will never be answered, I have faith that one day, my heart will be at peace. I have forgiven, I just would like to know why...

This experience has made me stronger. Everywhere I go I meet someone that has gone through the same things I have gone through. With no answers I am still able to influence and help someone who is right there, right there where I was.

I pray for this person often. I pray God's love for this person. I pray happiness and joy for this person. I pray someday this person will speak to me again. I pray that this person will always feel worth and accomplishment in their decisions. I pray this person has no regrets.

One Year of Marriage

One year of marriage has been absolutely fantastic, nothing I could of ever imagined. Every single day is a journey that I love taking!

We had an amazing weekend planned in downtown Seattle, however, my husband became ill. Though this weekend was not what we imagined, it proved our love in a weird sort of way. Something inside of me just wanted to fix him, mend him, hug him, hold him and make him feel better. I even asked if he wanted his feet rubbed... I do not like feet. I just wanted him to be himself: great, energetic, happy.

Last night, I told my husband that he should probably go sleep in the guest room. I also told him that the guest room should become a sick room... he then said, "Bina, husband and wife sleep together in the same bed", I said, "yeah yeah yeah... If we were in India it would have been different." He then replied, "In Sickness and in Health babe!" We both laughed... I said "OH, is that what that vow means???" We chuckled again and simply looked at each other and smiled...

Those are the greatest moments, looking into your significant others eyes. That moment of connection, where your eyes meet and the love between you is evident by just a look. It makes me feel so loved and happy! One year of marriage has taught me to listen, pray, enjoy ever moment, laugh, talk and keep Jesus in the center of our lives.

Living in a Branded World

Every commodity, whether it be clothing, food, car oil or facial tissues, are known by their brands. Instead of saying, may I have a facial tissue, I ask for Kleenex. (Microsoft Word recognized the word Kleenex and capitalized it for me…) Our food industries are owned by a handful of corporations. The goals of these corporations are solely mass production and meeting the demands of quantity demanded by other massive corporations. Is this way of mass production and relying on ‘brands’ healthy for people who seek simplicity and natural ways of life?

Naomi Klein discusses in her article titled, How Corporate Branding Has Taken Over America, how brands have completely taken over. She also discusses her book called No Logo and how it has become a logo. The author also discusses how Starbucks says their goal is not producing a logo however, the goal is producing a community feel to the coffee shops. They have recently opened a coffee shop where people can bring their own music and give it to the DJ. Starbucks is only in small print and can barely be read. Is creating a no logo atmosphere a logo/brand in itself?

How does someone deviate from brands and logos? Must I sew my own clothing? Should I grow my own food? How do I know that my clothes are not being made from a six year old in India in poor working conditions? I buy all of these commodities, why can’t I know where they are coming from and how they are created? If there is a demand for no logos and brands, will this not become a product of its own? If this occurs, corporations will desire to meet the demands and needs of the consumer and then it will become a brand. Mass production will inevitably occur so that the ways of simplicity no longer exist.

A remedy to this brand logo society/world we all live in is to simply not indulge ourselves in this environment. Of course everyone enjoys the latest fashion trends and the ready available low prices of food. However, returning to natural ways of life will make us smart consumers and healthy beings.

Appreciating Kindness

The last couple of days I have made a point to smile to everyone that I can make eye contact with. Lately, I've been troubled that people do not smile back when smiled to and conversation is no longer part of everyday life, especially with people passing by. Today I smiled, as I normally do, and about three people simply looked or gazed at me with no emotion of happiness whatsoever. I almost asked, hello, did you see me smile at you? Why didn't you smile back at me? I completely gave them the benefit of the doubt and didn't ask but my curiosity kept going...

Spreading happiness is so easy. Smiling back isn't so hard, right? Has our modern culture become so lazy we can't even smile at each other? It merely takes less than a second. I remember when I wasn't having a great day, someone's smile made me think, wow, that was really nice of that person... it made me smile because someone else did...I have learned to appreciate people who smile back, I almost want to THANK them!

Spreading love and happiness is so important, it is as though our culture is losing it with the advancements of todays technology. I love telling people how much they mean to me and how wonderful they are and smiling crazy at random people. It makes my day for sure! Be happy, be positive and be smiling!

Inspiration and Encouragement

Every Thursday my husband and I do Bible Study at our home with our friends here at EWU. These special days are filled with so much encouragement, inspiration and of course amazing food cooked by everyone. I get so encouraged by hearing how other people are being blessed by God and their experiences of getting inspiration from the Bible and it playing out in their lives.

Even though people may be in different places in their relationship with God, it starts somewhere. Being friends with Him is a daily experience. It's like any other relationship. Just as I speak to my husband everyday and tell him how much I love him and care about him, the same needs to be done with my relationship with Jesus. I realized how many things go on during my day that Jesus is involved with. Me expressing thanks is contributing to my daily dialogue with Him.

I pray to always be thankful for the little things in life, for those are truly what matter in the end. Being surrounded by people who are thankful and love the little things is so beautiful! Being thankful, positive and inspired is a wonderful daily experience I love to participate in.

Beauty Glows, Beauty is Within

“There is a free gym at your school Bina, you should use it twice a week.” This is the first thing my father told me after seeing him for one month. I was not shocked about how he would comment about my weight however, I did not think that would be the first thing said to me as I entered into the doorway. All I could think of was, Wow, what a warm welcoming father, how kind of you.

Because my father is East Indian, weight is something that is spoken about openly. For example, when I was growing up, my aunts and uncles would tell me to lose weight or to stay out of the sun because I was becoming a dark fat little Indian girl. Hearing about fatness and the shade of my skin conditioned me to be able to be so open about appearance. I expect to hear about weight and skin color however, I do not expect it to be the first thing I hear.

Why does my father think I need to lose weight? What is his definition of beauty? Why does he think thinness means beauty? Why does society get to tell my father that thinness is the ultimate goal in a woman’s life? After reading the Full Body Project, written by Leonard Nimoy, it made me think about how beauty is defined.  In the blog post, Nimoy photographs women  to express fat liberation. The women in these pictures were together, naked, fat, happy and liberated.

This made me think of how bound I was in my perception of weight. Who tells me I am beautiful? Being happy should not be associated with how thin someone is. I went from being a size 2 to being a size 10. Learning to love yourself first really helps with the concept of beauty, especially in my situation. Being a size 10 of course does not make someone fat or obese. Someone who is a size 2 who does not have a positive outlook on life and is not happy with themselves is not beautiful to me. Beauty glows on faces, beauty is visible within, and as it is often said, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

With my new definition of beauty, life is easier. Beauty is everywhere.

-bina walker